Celebrity News and Paparazzi Photos

Everyone have a blast tonight doing whatever it is you do to celebrate the New Year. (If it involves a donkey, call me.) In the meantime, I included these paparazzi photos of Paris Hilton to remind you all to practice safe sex. Tonight you might meet Mr. or Mrs. Right, but surprise, they’re full of VD. So wrap it up and be safe. Or, if you happen to hook up with Paris, not only wrap it up, but wear a HAZMAT suit and heavily consider hiring a stunt double.

Happy New Year, everybody! Catch you on Wednesday.

NOTE: In case you’re thinking I just used paparazzi photos from Paris’ night with Kevin Federline on Saturday, these are actually from last night. Sexy Paris never changed out of her outfit proving, once again, she is the classiest bitch alive.

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Lindsay Lohan spent the weekend in Capri where she hooked up with three guys in less than 24 hours. Starting with the waiter paparazzi photod above here’s a rundown of Lindsay’s conquests as reported by the Daily Mail:

Dude #1 Alexandra Di Nunzio:
The pair exchanged phone numbers at a film showing which the actress attended with Heroes star and friend Hayden Panettiere, 18.
But she dumped her friend shortly afterwards to meet up with, and lock lips with, Di Nunzio.
The pair enjoyed a meal together before getting cosy on a hotel sofa together.

Dude #2 Eduardo Costas:
The older man looked like the cat who got the cream after his passionate embrace with the young star who recently reconciled with her father and is said to be leading a ‘healthy’ lifestyle.

Dude #3 Dario Faiella
The son of Italian music legend Peppino Di Capri shared a few intimate moments with the actress, who is also said to be dating the ex-love of troubled pop star Britney Spears — 28-year-old music producer JR Rotem.

It’s nice to see Lindsay Lohan is back to her true form. And by true form, I mean a bionic humping machine secretly created by the government.

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Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline partied together in Vegas this weekend. Yeah, go ahead and absorb that for a minute. People says they spent the night together in Paris’ room. PageSix.com says they didn’t. I bet he did. I mean, how could Kevin resist Paris climbing over furniture like a drunken Spider-man? That’s just erotic. Could you imagine if he knocked her up? I did. It took the fire department five hours to talk me down off a ledge. Then they gave me a ride on the fire engine to a strip club. Okay, maybe I sort of jumped off the back when no one was looking.

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Britney Spears kept things quiet this weekend and hit up the closing sale at the Virgin MegaStore in LA. Has she finally calmed down? Did she find true love with her pap in shining armor? Can we expect a quieter more subdued Britney this year? These questions and more I will completely forget about as I bring in the New Year by downing the world’s largest Jell-O shot. Anyone know where I can rent a cement mixer?

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My original headline for this post was “Simon Cowell attacked by rogue Ethopian.” Then I did some investigative journalism (i.e. Wikipedia) and learned that it’s actually Simon’s fiancé British TV personality Teri Seymour. The couple are on vacation in Barbados for the holiday. I can understand why he keeps her around. She seems handy. Simon could always use Teri as a walking stick if he were on a long hike. Or, I dunno, maybe as a karate staff if he wanted to fight crime or play Ninja Turtles with Ryan Seacrest who always wants to be “Naked Shredder.”

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George “Tailor Made” Weisgerber, the winner of VH1’s I Love New York 2, may love more than just his recent fiancé Tiffany “New York” Pollard. Tailor Made was seen making out and flirting with three different women at a company holiday party, according to spies for NY Daily News:

“He was a hot mess,” says the snitch. “He was dancing, and kissing a blond with curly hair, then holding hands with a girl with short straight brown hair.”
And when the third girl tried to help him up after he “fell on the floor of the bathroom,” he hit on her!

Can anyone blame the guy? If I were engaged to New York, I’d be hooking up with anything but her. There’d be paparazzi shots of me zapping my nads with a taser gun while screaming “This is so much better than sex with my fiancé!” Then I’d make out with a lit BBQ grill and cry tears of joy because, for once, I actually love where my face is.

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Mischa Barton was picked up for DUI and narcotic possession early yesterday morning. Officers pulled Mischa over when her car straddled two lanes and she failed to use a turn signal. A source for the West Hollywood police provided TMZ with the details of her arrest and what Mischa had on her:

Mischa Barton blew a .12 on her breathalyzer test, admitted to smoking marijuana earlier that day (which cops found in her car) and had what cops say looked like prescription drugs in her car — in an unlabeled bottle.

That’s why I keep my prescription drugs in a clearly labeled bottle that reads “Fuck You Up Pillz.” I use the “z” instead of an “s” because I’m wack. And also because I took a handful of them while swimming in an above-ground pool full of bourbon. Or at least I was until my neighbor came home and started asking why I filled his pool with booze. He didn’t seem to believe me when I said “Jesus told me to.” But yet he said “Jesus thinks I should hit you with a shovel.” Which he did. God, what a hypocrite.

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Jessica Simpson isn’t the box-office draw you’d expect a hot chick with a creamy stupid center to be. Her latest film Blonde Ambition was headed straight for DVD until the producers decided to show the film in Jessica’s home state of Texas. It not only bombed but set the stage for the rest of her film releases, according to Page Six:

The turkey took in just $1,322 on its opening weekend in eight Texas theaters. Jessica’s next paparazzi photo, “Major Movie Star,” with Vivica A. Fox and Steve Guttenberg, is also heading straight to DVD.

I did the math on this one and it’s bad. Assuming movie tickets are $10, roughly 16 people saw this movie at each theater over a three day span. If this isn’t a giant sign that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn” then I don’t know what is. I mean, besides that billboard I built outside her bedroom window that says “Jessica Simpson, it’s time for porn.” Her dad was a big help though, so I can’t take all the credit.

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Lindsay Lohan’s father Michael Lohan offers some of his recently acquired spiritual advice to the Spears family as they cope with Jamie Lynn’s teenage pregnancy. Michael knows what it’s like to get caught up in the “whirlwind” that comes from having celebrity children. Here’s what he told the Spears, as reported by Extra:

“Stand together,” he insisted. “Stand by each other and don’t let anyone come between you.”

Michael added, “Even if you have to get really like insanely close to your daughter’s unfathomably large breasts for her age, just keep standing by each other. Don’t let anything come between you. Especially pants: The devil’s most sinister form. I rebuke you, pants!”

NOTE: I added some paparazzi photos of Lindsay Lohan in black tights just for the hell of it.

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Jessica Alba and Cash Warren hopped on the engagement bandwagon this week. Cash decided to make an honest woman out of Jessica who he met in 2004 on the set of Fantastic Four. It was recently announced that Cash put a baby up in that ass if I’m using the correct medical terminology which I’m 90% sure I am. The Associated Press reports:

“I can confirm that they are engaged,” Alba’s publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday.
The couple is expecting their first child in late spring or early summer, Cafarelli said.

I can’t believe all these young couples don’t realize that, Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I also can’t believe I just blatantly ripped off Wayne’s World. If I start quoting Coneheads, I want you to give me my medication. And by medication, I mean hit me with your car.

Originally Syndicated via RSS from The Superficial - Because You're Ugly