Celebrity News and Paparazzi Photos

Moby is head over heels for Britney the blonde Predator and is actually turned on by her physical and mental collapse. Here’s what he told The Sun about his obsession:

“She’s like this TENNESSEE WILLIAMS tragic figure. The fatter she gets, the weirder she gets, the more I love her. I found her moderately appealing in the late 90s, but now I would marry her in a heartbeat.”

I don’t want to say that’s creepy because it’s not. This is by far the nicest thing anyone has said about Britney Spears since 2005. If I were her, I’d cut out this post and paste it in my scrapbook. Which for her is an old shoe box filled with Haagen Daaz containers, french fries and a lock of Adnan’s beard. Oh, almost forgot, Jayden’s MedicAlert bracelet too. Ha! He’s allergic to penicillin. Kids are funny.

Thanks to Roxie who claims to have erotic qualities that I can’t repeat here. This is a family site.

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Governor Eliot Spitzer’s wife Silda supposedly knew about his relations with hookers such as Ashley Alexandra Dupre (above), according to a reliable source for Page Six:

Gov. Eliot Spitzer has told friends his wife was aware of his dalliances with hookers for years but looked the other way. “He said something like, ‘My [bleep]ing wife doesn’t care, so why does anybody else care?” our insider told us.

This site seems to have a marital theme today, but something about the Spitzer’s story is just downright touching you know? What a strong, beautiful foundation of love - based on hookers. These two should write a book on marriage. And call it something catchy like “Whores and Roast Beef.” Put me down for two copies. My folks’ll love it, those crazy Quakers.

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Love is truly in the air. Beyonce and Jay-Z tied the knot, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz got engaged and now Sean Penn and Robin Wright Penn are deciding to tough it out and continue growing further unattractive together. The two did not attend their scheduled divorce hearing yesterday and the divorce has been dismissed. The AP reports:

The dismissal came a day after they attended an Eddie Vedder concert at the University of California at Berkeley, where the actor reportedly went on stage to dedicate a song to Wright Penn.

The couple filed for divorce in December and since that time Sean was linked with Sienna Miller and Petra Nemcova. But it looks like requesting a song at a concert never fails to win your true love back and make her forget you banged some chicks half her age while you were “on a break.” Huh. Okay, let’s say you didn’t so much as cheat as your girl as much as you had sex with her sister who had your love child which you hid in the attic: Should I request two songs or am I in mix-tape territory? I want to do this just right. The kid sort of crawled out of the AC vent the other night during dinner. Wow, awkward.

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Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz are officially engaged. The two announced their unholy asshat union on their blog Friends or Enemies:

THIS JUST IN FROM ASHLEE SIMPSON “We know there has been a lot of speculation recently about Pete and I and we wanted our fans to be the first to know, because you guys are the best. Yes, we are thrilled to share that we are happily engaged. Thank you for all of your support and well wishes - it means the world to us. We consider this to be a very private matter, but we wanted you to hear it straight from us.”
- Ashlee and Pete

It’s early in the morning so I just want to wish Ashlee and Pete the best. Also, the wedding cake’s on me. It’ll be a delicious marble with equal parts typhoid, Al Qaeda and, because I love you guys, Criss Angel. Congrats!

UPDATE: Us Magazine got a “no comment” from Ashlee’s rep asking if there’s a bun in the oven. The rep instead pointed Us to the above comment from Friends or Enemies. And, fuck, these two reproduced. Super. Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit sniffing glue - but not the wrong day to quote Airplane. I win!

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These are shots of Kim Kardashian poolside at her house in a bikini/swimsuit while filming an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I’m starting to think the title of the show is a jab at Kim’s inability to keep up with her family when they’re out shopping. “Wait, up, guys. *huff* *huff *huff* Ooh, Cinnabon. Hey, c’mon, guys. *huff* I just sat on a little kid. *huff* I think he’s hurt. *huff* Mall security is shooting at me but the bullets just ricochet into the crowd. Not the pretzel guy! Jorge, NO! *huff* C’mon, guys! Stop laughing!”

NOTE: I’m kidding, of course. She’s a beautiful full-figured woman that I’d totally take out for a romantic dinner - at Bonanza.

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Will Ferrell got to take part in a photo shoot for Sports Illustrated with a bikini-clad Heidi Klum. I guess it’s a promotional thing for his new movie Semi-Pro, I dunno, but that’s not important right now. What is important is Heidi Klum in a bikini. Now that’s smart marketing. You could sell me Sparkling AIDS in a can and I’d drink it if Heidi Klum in a bikini told me to. Hell, I’ll drink some right now. Just for you, Heidi. Granted, Sparkling AIDS isn’t invented yet, but I’ve got some Fresca. So close enough. *sips* Oh, God, my immune system. I love you, Heidi! *sips* Yup, my pancreas just burst. Man down!

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Katie Price showed up for another book signing yesterday for “Jordan: Pushed to the Limit.” Maybe it’s me, but Katie just seemed to be going through the motions. Yeah, she brought her surgically-reduced but still mammoth chest, but unlike her Valentine’s Day signing there were no gratuitous nipple slips. Way to go, Katie. Now what do I tell the children? I’m not a doctor, but I’m pretty sure nipples are an essential part of promoting literacy. I mean, I read all kinds of stuff thanks to the strip club. Mostly the word “Hate” on the bouncer’s knuckle when they realize I’m tipping the girls with scratched-off lottery tickets, but you get the paparazzi photo: It’s all about the kids.

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Amy Winehouse has been staying in the ritzy Riverbank Plaza Hotel in London since exiting rehab. She’s repeatedly barred housekeeping from entering the room, but management finally went in while Amy was performing at the Brits Awards and found over $6,000 in damages, according to The Sun:

Booze was spilled all over the wooden hallway and cigarette butts, countless bottles of champagne and unwashed knickers were all over the floor. The blackened bath had to be scrubbed and unclogged after she dyed and washed her famous beehive in the tub. She had even taken a large mirror off the wall and placed it on the floor. Staff were baffled why. I’m not.

If “unwashed knickers” isn’t gross enough for you, the article also reveals how Amy’s husband Blake Fielder-Civil is scoring his drugs which led to an OD this week:

The singer was in tears as she spoke to Blake through a pane of glass, in a room separate from other prisoners. Their marriage has been under strain since we revealed Blake has been trading signed photos of her for heroin.

Okay, wow, I understand these guys are in prison and don’t get to see women very often, but Amy Winehouse? Barforama. I mean, I’d rather look at my roommate Hair-lip Bill the bearded arson. And I wouldn’t trade sweet, precious prison heroin for Amy Winehouse pics. Hell no. Maybe some feathers from my pillow. But only the ones that keep sticking out and poking me in the ear. Even then, I dunno. We’re talking feathers here. I don’t want to overpay.

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Officers arrested Aaron Carter, Backstreet Boy’s Nick Carter’s little brother and Lindsay Lohan’s ex, last night in Texas for speeding and possession of marijuana. The former annoying child music star was forced to spend the night in jail and, God willing, was corn-holed. Star reports:

“After he was stopped, his car was searched and some marijuana - less than two ounces - was found in the vehicle,” Kimble County Sheriff Michael Chapman told Star. “Mr. Carter was placed under arrest and charged with misdemeanor possession of marijuana and speeding. His car was impounded.”

I had no idea Aaron Carter was still alive. What is he even doing with himself? He can’t legitimately pass himself off anymore as the funky fresh 13-year-old who just wants to hold your hand. But, judging by his appearance, Aaron seems to have found his true calling in life: being that stoner guy who wants to get you high and hopefully touch a boob - or get a pizza. Whatever. Either way, he’s telling his friends at the drum circle you did it in a kayak.

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If I collapse in the middle of this post, it’s because I’m so chock full of nerd rage I’m ready to start opening action figures thus lowering their collectible value. I’m seriously that pissed. It’s kind of scary. Apparently Moby dated Natalie Portman a while back making him the target of my fellow geek’s hatred. Page Six reports:

“I guess in some people’s eyes, [nerds] might be mildly sexy - and, as a nerd, I’m certainly happy to enjoy some of the effects of that. But as far as the very brief affair that I had with Natalie, it’s made me a target of a lot of nerd wrath,” the techno-whiz tells next month’s Spin. “You don’t date Luke Skywalker’s mom and not have them hate your guts.”

First off, the prequels suck, so die and burn in hell for mentioning them. Second, I get chicks way hotter than Natalie Portman all the time. Okay, maybe not as hot - and they’re missing a couple limbs. But those ladies are dynamite in the sack. Or so they tell me before stealing my wallet. So, yeah, Moby, in your face!

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